Condemned to Smile....

Its been a few days now. Or maybe weeks. Probably months. Time holds no meaning for me anymore. Nor does this eternal river hold any charm for me. Ramifications of the simplest of my undertakings, the unforeseen consequences of my purest actions, and my pessimism seem to have finally conquered my spirit, my enthusiasm, my vigour that i felt were so necessary for my survival. Which i had taught myself to preserve at all costs, for if they broke, i feared, i will too. Who knows, even my life could end, for what use is a life that has no aim, no zeal, no motto.

But as i take a look at the past, and my life, as a movie, floats by my eyes, various events, that then mattered so much to me.... now, reduced to memories, glimpses that i could so easily do without, I find that it was all a lie. The survival instinct that nature has weaved into our genes... is stronger than anything we learn consciously. It can make us break all rules that we surround ourselves in to make our lives comfortable, it can make us rip open that coccon that we feel so safe tucked into, maybe we become a butterfly, maybe we die, but the coccon breaks when it has to. We forfeit our learnings, and customs, and everything we hold dear, when life calls.

But maybe I am taking too generalized view of the world. Maybe I have been born with a rat's instincts, that ask me to leave the ship when it is about to sink. And among my fellow human beings i may find people who value their beliefs above their lives...but sadly, i'm not.

My philosophies of life, or whatever remains of that broken castle, still try to persuade me to sit down, gather everything that has fallen apart, and embark upon a new journey... but my legs  are too tired, my breath comes in gasps, my hands can no more lift that lantern that shows me my way, my eyes cannot perceive what they see... I want my rest, I desperately need it, or else my life may dwindle to nothing.

And yet, I find myself in a crowded market, people bustling around in all directions, hurrying, hurrying towards the unknown, or maybe they know. I dont feel it is right to laugh at others for what i was incapable of doing. This crowd will sweep me off my feet unless i stand tall, there is no side-walk on the road of life. We all have to struggle through the crowd. My eyes fill up with water, i don't understand why. And yet I know, if I find a familiar face, it will look at me for approval, for appreciation. Each glance that i get, has the blaze of expectations from me.

Lonely, tired, broken, in this city crowd, I am condemned to smile....